lazy saturday afternoon

I’m on my own in the house, as always. It’s noon already but I just couldn’t bring myself to the shower let alone getting off this bed. I’ve forgotten how it feels like to not worry about anything especially work. What would I give to get that feeling again. Seeing kids playing with each other at the playground just outside my house, it made me wonder maybe that’s what they have, that feeling, no worry feeling. Gosh I’ve also forgotten how it feels like to be a kid! In fairness it’s been decades anyway. It brought me back though to a moment I remember it vividly when I was a kid. Maybe around 10 yrs old, 2 decades ago. I was in my bedroom where I shared with my sister and little brother at that time. I was doing some homework, don’t remember what it was but I do remember as I lay there on the bed, again alone, I asked myself what my life would be like in 20 years time? I started imagining myself going to work wearing suits and carrying business bag made of leather, a perfect image like those commercials on TV. Getting off a luxurious car but without a driver, because I always thought I’d like to drive. Having lots of cash in my wallet with a couple of credit cards and be able to buy anything my heart desires. There were plenty other alternates future I imagined myself into. All of them with one theme. Plenty of cash and lavish lifestyle. Well say it what you want I was totally influenced by the lifestyles featured in those commercials at the time

Now that I’ve reached the 20 years later, again I said to myself, which part of those dreams I kept imagining myself in has become reality? Now here’s the depressing part, do I have lots of cash ? nope, do I have a luxury car? Not even close, do I live the way that I picture myself when I was a kid? Don’t even think of it! none of them were even close to what I have dreamed. Life sucks!!! Especially if you a master student in a supposedly “centre of excellence” institution, well that’s a completely different story!

Then I wonder what would a 30 year old me want? I thought about it and it isn’t lot of cash, I can get by with comfortable or even just enough although have plenty of it really a plus, lavish lifestyle…..well I don’t mind if I have the means i.e the abundant $$$$$. Certainly not something I would crave for. Then it dawned on me that all I want is peace of mind and happiness, and it’s different from one person to the other , the definition of happiness I mean. Right now my happiness means that I can live my day to day life with no worries, I can go to work and enjoy what I do and still have whatever little time I have to spend it with my family and friends. Hey don’t think that I’m not ambitious, I am but at this particular moment I would settle for this. I guess I’m tired of being on the move, burnt out would be more politically correct term. What would I give to be like those kids down there happily running around the ground chasing each other that doesn’t seem like having a point at all, kinda like this rambling, pointless but hey it made me feel better J